Middle school is said to be the most insecure time of your life, and I was just another example of it.
I was convinced that I was ugly and too quiet. I had good friends, but managed to ruin them one way or another. I ruined friendships by getting jealous or they would just get tired of me. (Many who claimed to be my best friends for years, found new friends.) When my best friends said they didn’t like me, I felt betrayed and like they stabbed me in the heart. My insecurities sent me into a whirlwind of emotions at my friend’s smallest decision.
I remember one instance when I was depressed for days, I cried and cried and wished it was night time so I could sleep (because I didn’t think about how hurt I was when I slept). As soon as my eyes opened up in the morning, the pain would come rushing back and I would drag myself through the day. I began to hate my friends. I was jealous that they could be happy whilst I was left hurt and angry. I questioned, What is wrong with me?
I hated my personality because I thought I was too quiet. I thought that the only people who had friends were the outgoing ones, so I tried to be outgoing. When I forced myself to talk, I always embarrassed myself, which caused me to beat myself up for it. My thoughts overwhelmed me and I thought there was no good thing about me. I was always worried about what other people thought of me and couldn’t walk by anyone without a wave of self-destructive thoughts crushing me. (I thought they must be thinking how ugly or short I am.) Everywhere I went, I felt judged and thought that I had to prove myself to everyone.
I thought I was worthless, a walking disaster.
Then I connected with Lovely girls. They cared about me and actually wanted to be around me. I’ve realized that my past will not be my future and my past does not define me. I don’t need to worry that my Lovely girls are going to leave me and this is one of the most free thoughts that I’ve had. Going to the Lovely Project Experience showed me that I was believing lies, but I could choose to think differently. No one is gossiping behind my back or judging me (and those things were just in my imagination). I chose to let go of anger and hurt that I had be holding inside. I forgave my friends that disappointed me. My personality changed from being a painfully shy girl- to a confident young woman. Those lies that I’m ugly and have no friends still pop up in my mind, but they don’t control me because I don’t listen to those thoughts.